It's been over 2 months since my last post and so much has changed, yet not really.
My daughter was hospitalized for three weeks. As long as I kept busy, cleaning her house, making meals, organizing paperwork, things were fine-my composure was the epitome of strength. As long as my brain had something to focus on the heart remained silent, but as soon as I'd see her, all hopes of maintaining that were gone. The hardest thing I have ever had to do, was try to show encouragement to her, try to telepathically will her strength, lazer beam through my eyes all my love, hoping that there was a miniscule opening to her soul behind the catatonic stare. Despite my best efforts, my tears wouldn't stop flowing and her soul remained lost to me.
It was the longest three weeks of my life. During this time I began research on mental illness, focusing on depression, which is what the doctors say my daughter had- depression caused by stress. I started a blog, a Facebook page, all in hopes of finding help and perhaps in being help to someone else. I'm a writer, a blogger to be specific, and these are my tools, my way of communicating and in my world this is how I survive. Meanwhile, my first born was fighting to do the same; she was in another world trying to survive.
Cristyl is back home now. To say we have all been changed by this is an understatement; things will never be the same. Daily medicines for at least two years, and fear of a repeat episode are always in the background, but also in her life is the proof of how much she's loved. Her estranged father flew in from another country just to be by her side- something she longed for so many times, and he's remained in contact, just a phone call away. Cousins, aunts, inlaws, and of course daily visits by me and her boyfriend helped her know she could come back and be loved. But it is a battle, at times hourly, but it's worth it- she's worth it. As her mother I pray she comes to believe that. There will always be memories, scars, but these will fade. Hopefully she'll come to realize that scars have their purpose. They remind us of how strong we are, for we have lived through the pain and were not defeated.
My thoughts and prayers go to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteMaria
Gracias Maria, much appreciated.
Deleteawwww. estan en mis oraciones.
ReplyDeleteGracias Daily.
DeleteRezando por ellos muy triste
ReplyDeleteGracias, ya estaremos mejor.
DeleteSo sorry you have to deal with this. I know it is tough. I've been there, on the side of your daughter (oh, and I've now been on meds for nearly 17 years). I'm providing a link to my blog where I discussed my experience. I hope it may help you in some small way.
ReplyDeletehttp://jayhawkmommy.com/2012/09/13/the-story-of-my-rebirth/
Que triste, están en mis oraciones y pensamientos!
ReplyDelete¡BENDICIONES!ॐ
http://mamaholistica.com
Mis oraciones están con ustedes.
ReplyDeleteUn fuerte abrazo.
God bless!! Mis oraciones con ustedes!
ReplyDeleteIn my thoughts and prayers
ReplyDeleteYour strength inspires
Ay chica. Siento tu dolor y angustia. Pero sigue ahi firme. Dios les dará la fortaleza que necesitan. Abrazos!
ReplyDeleteMucha fuerza! A veces lo más duro es tratar animar a una persona, pero veo que ustedes han hecho un muy buen trabajo. Nada más indo que sentir el apoyo de la familia en momentos difíciles. Tu hija debe sentirse bendecida.
ReplyDeletemy son suffers from depression and I feel your pain and I share your story. He has not been hospitalized, but he was suicidal at one point. He is home now...and I feel sooo blessed that he has chosen home as his safe haven. As a mother, I love him dearly, as his friend, I thank God for his presence, as his confidant, I can only listen and be there.
ReplyDeleteI cringe when others say I coddle him, that I need to be tough, that I am too lenient...and to them I say, he is loved and will not suffer tough love, I will not send him over the edge, I will love him and support him with all the breaths I have in my body.
I am forever grateful for his loving boyfriend, who cares about him, knows him, and loves him just the way he is.
Zulmara Maria
Mucha fuerza en este momento tan difícil. Es admirable ver tu entereza.
ReplyDeleteAbrazos grandes desde California!
Sending you love & strength.
ReplyDeleteWhat a very difficult journey for all of you. Sending you lots of good energy to keep you going -- so you can keep everyone else going. Thanks for sharing this on the GRAND Social.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this heart-wrenching challenge. ♥
ReplyDeleteamiga, it breaks my heart to read about not only your daughter's pain, but yours aswell. keep strong, eres una super mama!! we send our love to you!! and Cristyl is in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteMy dearest friend, you know I have kept you and your daughter in my mind and in my heart through all of this. I am really glad to hear she is back home and I hope that her road to recovery and healing is paved with love and positive energy.
ReplyDeleteI know no other way to be. I wish you strength in your journey and thank you for the retweet.
ReplyDeleteBB, your daughter continues to be in my prayers for continued healing. The best thing you can do for her, you're already doing. A daughter couldn't be blessed with a better mother. Abrazos, amiga.
ReplyDelete